What's this all about?

Well, heartbreak happens.

Regularly.

We all experience loss and defeat and tear-stained nights.  There's no escape.  And unfortunately sometimes our emotions seem to drown us.  They pile up and pile up until we can't see anymore.  Can't breathe anymore.

We have to let them go.  Let them out . . . or else we'll die.  These emotions that swirl around in our brains and hearts . . . the thoughts that we'd rather die than continue on this painful path . . . well, if they're not released then they can really eat our brain up.

So I've been writing.

A lot.

I was keeping my writings to myself.  But then I realized that maybe these words could help someone else release the pain that they're feeling.  Perhaps they will inspire an individual to do some writing of their own.

And to be honest, I feel like I'm a decent writer . . . and I feel like the more I exercise my writing muscles, the stronger they get.

So that's what this is all about.  These are my thoughts.  Honest, raw, scary at times.  And they'll get better with time.  You'll see the blue sky start to peek its way through these clouds.  Cause the clouds are finally emptying their giant bellies and letting go of these heavy words they've been carrying around.

I miss the way you ran your fingers through my hair

I miss the way you made sure it was just the right amount of messy

I miss the way you held onto my lips when you kissed me

I miss stealing the covers from you

I miss flirtatious texts from across the room

I miss smoke filled afternoons and laughing ourselves to sleep

I miss your smelly bathroom and its toothpaste stained sink

I miss spending my mornings with you

I miss being yours

I miss being us

I miss being missed

Something Cold or Cracked or Faded or Black

I know it will get better

I know there are lots of fish in the sea

I know I should love myself

But there's a darkness inside of me

You say I was perfect

You say there's nothing wrong with me

You say I should love myself

But surely somewhere there must be

Something wrong

Something so so wrong

Something cold or cracked or faded or black

Inside of me.

Inside of me.

They say it won't last

They say I deserve something better

They say I should love myself

I say . . . I say . . . I say

This is my burden

and I don't need sympathies

I just need someone to come and cry with me

Don't tell me to buck up

Or look on the bright side

I feel like a fuck up

must be . . . must be . . . must be

Something wrong

Something so so wrong

Something cold or cracked or faded or black

Inside of me.

Inside of me.

This is where depression lives

I'll be honest with you.  I don't want to be alive right now.  I have a million things on my plate and I can't handle them anymore.  System overload.  I quit.  I know it's selfish, but honestly who cares?  So many people care.  I know.  But I'm not happy.  I'm very very depressed right now.  And the trials keep piling up.  I can't keep up at work because my brain isn't working.  I just can't do it.  I can't juggle a million different things.  I'm not a contact/spreadsheet/project juggler.  I was built to do one thing.  Help people.  Right now I'm not doing that, and it's driving me batty.

I'm just struggling.  Really really badly.  This is where depression lives.  And tomorrow it will be back on the bus.  And back at life without my best friend.  And back to feeling sad and alone.

I know how ridiculous I sound.  My brain just feels numb.

I hate this.

I-5 South

Something feels so wrong here

Southbound instead of East

Surrounded by strangers

Distance grows greater

And my heart cries

Thoughts that escape the filter of reason

It's a dark place inside my head today

It's a dark place in my mind

All of the electricity

Isn't giving off any light

These wires get crossed

They get jumbled

and tangled

These thoughts get lost

they get smothered

and mangled

Signals sent to my heart

that should never have left the mess

but somehow escaped 

the filter of reason

So I picture

The metal to the temple

The car to the metal

The heart to explosion

Avoiding implosion