What's this all about?

Well, heartbreak happens.

Regularly.

We all experience loss and defeat and tear-stained nights.  There's no escape.  And unfortunately sometimes our emotions seem to drown us.  They pile up and pile up until we can't see anymore.  Can't breathe anymore.

We have to let them go.  Let them out . . . or else we'll die.  These emotions that swirl around in our brains and hearts . . . the thoughts that we'd rather die than continue on this painful path . . . well, if they're not released then they can really eat our brain up.

So I've been writing.

A lot.

I was keeping my writings to myself.  But then I realized that maybe these words could help someone else release the pain that they're feeling.  Perhaps they will inspire an individual to do some writing of their own.

And to be honest, I feel like I'm a decent writer . . . and I feel like the more I exercise my writing muscles, the stronger they get.

So that's what this is all about.  These are my thoughts.  Honest, raw, scary at times.  And they'll get better with time.  You'll see the blue sky start to peek its way through these clouds.  Cause the clouds are finally emptying their giant bellies and letting go of these heavy words they've been carrying around.

I miss the way you ran your fingers through my hair

I miss the way you made sure it was just the right amount of messy

I miss the way you held onto my lips when you kissed me

I miss stealing the covers from you

I miss flirtatious texts from across the room

I miss smoke filled afternoons and laughing ourselves to sleep

I miss your smelly bathroom and its toothpaste stained sink

I miss spending my mornings with you

I miss being yours

I miss being us

I miss being missed

Something Cold or Cracked or Faded or Black

I know it will get better

I know there are lots of fish in the sea

I know I should love myself

But there's a darkness inside of me

You say I was perfect

You say there's nothing wrong with me

You say I should love myself

But surely somewhere there must be

Something wrong

Something so so wrong

Something cold or cracked or faded or black

Inside of me.

Inside of me.

They say it won't last

They say I deserve something better

They say I should love myself

I say . . . I say . . . I say

This is my burden

and I don't need sympathies

I just need someone to come and cry with me

Don't tell me to buck up

Or look on the bright side

I feel like a fuck up

must be . . . must be . . . must be

Something wrong

Something so so wrong

Something cold or cracked or faded or black

Inside of me.

Inside of me.

This is where depression lives

I'll be honest with you.  I don't want to be alive right now.  I have a million things on my plate and I can't handle them anymore.  System overload.  I quit.  I know it's selfish, but honestly who cares?  So many people care.  I know.  But I'm not happy.  I'm very very depressed right now.  And the trials keep piling up.  I can't keep up at work because my brain isn't working.  I just can't do it.  I can't juggle a million different things.  I'm not a contact/spreadsheet/project juggler.  I was built to do one thing.  Help people.  Right now I'm not doing that, and it's driving me batty.

I'm just struggling.  Really really badly.  This is where depression lives.  And tomorrow it will be back on the bus.  And back at life without my best friend.  And back to feeling sad and alone.

I know how ridiculous I sound.  My brain just feels numb.

I hate this.

I-5 South

Something feels so wrong here

Southbound instead of East

Surrounded by strangers

Distance grows greater

And my heart cries

Thoughts that escape the filter of reason

It's a dark place inside my head today

It's a dark place in my mind

All of the electricity

Isn't giving off any light

These wires get crossed

They get jumbled

and tangled

These thoughts get lost

they get smothered

and mangled

Signals sent to my heart

that should never have left the mess

but somehow escaped 

the filter of reason

So I picture

The metal to the temple

The car to the metal

The heart to explosion

Avoiding implosion

My Oh My, How Quickly Things Change

My oh my how quickly things can change

and my mind, it won't calm down

so it races back and forth.  it compares then and now.  it tries to fill in the blanks.

When you left, you were coming back

But this person who is here now, she is simply a shell

Oh lord.  I'm sorry

(for what?)

Oh God, I'm sorry

(for what?)

Oh Babe, I'm sorry

(I know)

- Intended as a song.  lyrics inspired while listening to "Smother" by Daughter

The Shift

Wish the shift had never occurred. Then it wouldn't hurt so bad that you belong to her. My heart could move on with much greater ease if it weren't for that moment I got down on my knees. 

And told you I loved you. 

In front of the world. 

I told you I loved you. That you were my girl. 

I didn't know that at that very time you were moving with her. You would leave me behind. 

So I jumped on that train, the one you'd been on from the start. 

I jumped on that train, ready to give you my heart. 

But you weren't there. I waited a while. 

You weren't there. I kept on a smile. 

You weren't there. I started to search. 

You weren't there. 

You were with her. 

So now I'm stuck, halfway down this track. And I gotta walk back. I gotta trek back. But it's lonely, and its hard, and in my chest there's a scar. And back on that train sits my still beating heart. 

Damn it I loved you

Damn it I loved you

Like the sun follows the moon

I was drawn to your mystery, your magic, your light

Damn it I loved you

I just wish I had known

That my life would be so hollow, so empty, so alone

If you could pause Vancouver, would you?

If you could stop that initial touch, would you?

If you could be here, lying here, in my arms

would you give her up the way you gave me up?

Damn it I loved you

But you had a dream

And I can't take that away.  Try as I may.  I can't take that away.